Threat Busters

Welcome to Boldschoolers!
 
We can all probably agree that a general state of fear isn’t conducive to learning, but what can be very subtle is something called threat, which we sometimes overlook, but it’s something that is just as dangerous to good learning. Threat is often felt by our kids when they have the possibility of embarrassing themselves or looking stupid…in front of others. It may come from the challenge/skill level being too hard or it may come from pressure to perform in front of others in some way, perhaps involving a competition or presentation. The threat goes up as the social stakes rise.
 
Threat leads to stress, which leads to a poor mood, none of which encourages the kind of engagement we want for quality learning. Our psychological health suffers when we experience any of these states. Negative self-talk can increase during these moments as our kids rewind into negative experiences in the past or fast-forward to catastrophize future possibilities that haven’t happened yet. All of this leads to one crabby kid, so eliminating threat where we can is super important.
 
Let’s talk about three ways to keep learning accessible and engagement probable.
 
1.     Make sure you are tapping into your child’s perspective. What’s scary for our kids may not be scary for us. Start to notice your child’s body language and verbal communications when tension is ramping up. Is there agitation in the form of a tense body? Is it harder than usual for your child to focus? Is their constant chatter or none at all? Is there whining or complaining? Is there avoidance behavior of any kind? All of these are signs of disengagement as your child tries to get out of a stressful situation. Notice and be present. You might have a conversation to bring some transparency to the situation or you might release the pressure in another way, such as a change in environment, refueling with a brain break or snack or plan a switch to an activity that holds high competence for your child. A negotiated pause can give you some time to think through your approach.  
 
2.     When an activity holds some threat make sure you’ve consciously framed the activity. If you determine that there is high value in the activity, make sure that you’ve established value from your child’s perspective regarding why he should participate in the activity that is triggering the threat. A strong frame can build buy-in and perseverance to tolerate a higher risk level. Your child may very much want to participate in a learning activity and still feel significant threat.
 
3.     Lean into your foundation of Choice, Connection and Competence.
a.     What choices can your child make regarding the activity that would feel empowering?
b.     What supports can you build into the activity? Can your child involve a friend in the activity or partner with you in some way to take the edge off? Can you change the environment to be less anxiety provoking? You might move an activity out into nature, for example, or if your child is going to be giving a presentation of some sort, perhaps your child can take turns sharing information with one or two other people, rather than formally presenting to ten.
c.     Is there a way to dial back the challenge level? For example, are you able to build a scaffold around the activity to model pieces of it or work in partnership together as your child completes parts of it or all of it on her own?
 
This is a dance and you both will get better with practice. Be sensitive to threat. Honoring your child’s emotions will path the road to engagement.
 
Happy Boldschooling!