Just-in-time feedback helps us stay present and propel forward.
In life we need to know what we’re doing (clear goals), but we also need to know how we might do it even better (just-in-time feedback).
In order to get the most out of feedback, we need to be present in the activities we are doing throughout the day. How present are you in your day? Are you thinking about dinner plans or laundry commitments when you’re watching your child play or thinking about what you’re going to say next when chatting with other parents? We all do it, no shame, but it’s a great practice to know where our mind is throughout the day. Has your mind wandered off on its own or is it fully present and engaged.
I encourage you to learn something new right along with your child and to seek out your own feedback to progress your skills. Feedback not only helps us know what to do, but it helps us stay present because the flow of clear directional feedback prevents mind wandering elsewhere. Feedback doesn’t remove the struggle from learning. Struggle is a vitally important first stage of learning but struggle without purpose or direction can be eliminated by tightening that feedback loop with your valuable insight.
The three types of feedback are appreciation, coaching and evaluation (Stone & Heen, 2014). Throughout the day, you may very well use all three types of feedback.
- Appreciation tells us that our efforts are seen and valued by the people around us.
- Coaching helps us sharpen our skills and improve and grow in our competencies.
- Evaluation tells us where we stand in relation to expectations.
There is a time and place for each of these, but the challenge is that there is often a mismatch between the kind of feedback wanted and the kind of feedback received. Sometimes in our lives we really want appreciation from someone and instead we get coaching or evaluation. Sometimes we get evaluation, and it just feels critical without anything helpful. That’s because what we really wanted was coaching. These mismatches happen all the time and we rarely have the awareness to talk about them. I don’t know about you, but sometimes in our relationships with our spouse the mismatch occurs frequently. When I ask how I look in my new dress, I really want appreciation. I don’t want an evaluation and I don’t want coaching. We often think we want coaching or evaluation, but appreciation rules the day with our kids and our adult relationships. We all need coaching and evaluation, as well, but sometimes those offerings are better received from experts that we’ve sought out.
In many ways you’re serving as your child’s mentor, but each of us can benefit from a mentor. Do you have someone that can provide valuable coaching, is expert in what you would like to learn and can specifically evaluate your current progress and create a plan for moving forward?
This is like central air in a home. The thermostat will read the temperature of the house and adjust the heating/cooling up or down to maintain homeostasis in real time, consistently and reliably. This type of coaching feedback is adaptive and individualized to provide just the right amount of challenge at just the right time. Learn what level of feedback works best for you and in what form. Practice asking for specific feedback, which makes it a lot easier to receive it. I make sure to ask for what I want from the giver. I might ask the giver to rate something on a scale of 1-10, no one ever gives a 10, so then I ask how I might get closer to a 10. This helps me hear the feedback and it helps my giver provide coaching. Remember, also, that feedback isn’t necessarily true. It’s just another opinion that we can take or leave, as we deem useful.
When you think about creating a rich leisure life, what is something you want to learn? While practice is essential to help create strong links in long-term memory, so is feedback.
If you would like to learn how to give feedback successfully to your child, come join us in Boldschoolers Blueprint. Until then, happy Boldschooling!
