Positive Frame—includes uplifting self-talk, optimism, gratefulness, and openness
Having a positive mindset, as opposed to one with lots of negative self-talk and working towards a mind that is calm and open, can set the stage to slip into flow, the state where thoughts fade away and there’s no active inner voice. Because our brain is constantly filtering incoming raw data from our senses, a positive frame can help the brain to pick up optimistic bits of information, rather than focusing upon the negative or overly skeptical.
Negative self-talk is constrictive, whereas positive self-talk is expansive. Start to train grit by helping kids reframe towards optimism. When optimistic, we believe that something good is going to happen, that it’s all going to work out in the end, even with realism in the present. In an expansive state, kids can develop the attributes of being flexible, creative, persevering, and resilient. One way to build positive frames is to use a reference point. A reference point is a positive moment in a child’s history that can be revisited again and again. A child’s prior successes can serve as a reference point when feeling overwhelmed and a child can use previous wins to fuel future efforts. We own our power and our strength in the recollection and we’re then able to confidently apply those qualities and abilities to the current situation we are managing. Being able to self-regulate emotional state is a big part of being able to persevere when goals are challenging. We not only persevere physically, but also mentally. Negative mood not only limits the amount of novelty we notice, but it also shuts the door on creativity. I often talk about the little voice in our heads when I talk about reference points, but I’d like to revisit the idea because there’s great opportunity to starting a practice of looking at that voice from an early age. When I asked the group of six eight and nine year olds about their voice, they didn’t even hesitate to respond. At the time, I thought… how cool is that? You ask a bunch of adults about the voice in their heads and you might even get some denials. It’s just not something we talk about. I think it comes from the idea that if you hear voices, you must struggle with mental illness, but in this case, of course, that’s not true at all. We all have little voices in our heads that provide a daily monologue.
I think we are missing an opportunity with our kids, if we don’t talk openly about the little voice and check in frequently as to its messages. Many of us as adults have our own broken records as they are often called that play in our heads. When we hear that, we usually think of negative messaging that follows us from childhood into adulthood and then plays on and on until we do “the work” to reprogram the little voice. Well, my thought is…why don’t we stop the negative voices in the beginning. This is an upstream practice that may have huge positive consequences downstream as your child grows.
What do our kids tell themselves? And why? I know when my own kids were young they were incredibly sensitive to my energy. If I was angry and simply turned to look at them, they would start crying. It was like an invisible wave of negativity would tsunami them. I didn’t look angry on the surface. How could they even tell? I think kids are not only highly sensitive to energy, but when they are young they are still attached in some ways to our parental energy. They are us. They haven’t yet separated to become their own person yet. So, perhaps in my flawed actions, I sent negative messages of judgment or disapproval to my kids. Perhaps they heard negative messaging from friends, family or other group experiences. Who knows where it comes from and perhaps it comes from everywhere, even ourselves as we compare ourselves to others, but the bottom line is that it exists. It’s there and if we don’t bring it into the light, those negative voices will hide inside of us playing their destructive messages all of our lives.
Kids know all about the voice in their head and those that I’ve asked had no problem talking about it, both the good and the bad. We certainly don’t need to make kids wrong for any negative voices. The kids in my group that said their voice just wanted to run away and hide…we acknowledged that feeling. And other kids said that yeah…they felt like that too sometimes. But then another kid would offer up what she does when she feels that way and the first kid would listen and thankfully say he would try that. Yes, we can work with our own kids to gently move these voices to the positive side, but I think there’s power in the peer group to understand how it feels and offer up some love, understanding and ideas to move forward.
I challenge you to start a conversation with your child about the little voice, not when your child is up against a challenge at first, but just take it off the taboo table and bring it into normal conversation.
If you would like to raise your awareness, clearing the path to optimal learning, come join us in Boldschoolers Blueprint. Check it out at boldschoolers.com.
Be aware of how you speak to yourself. Are you your best advocate? Your best support system? Be clear, not belittling, toxic or unhelpful. It doesn’t have to be positive, hype. It can absolutely be real.
