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Remember, we talked about motivation last time around. Let's dive into the weeds and talk about choice, connection and competence. If these three psychological needs are satisfied, children are more likely to have positive motivation. Typically, if there’s a breakdown, one or more of these needs isn’t getting met.
We know our kids well and can perhaps even state some of the qualities our children value. Maybe my daughter values adventure, but my son values security. Maybe my child values friendship or completing projects. Maybe trustworthiness or loyalty are top values. Are my child’s values aligned with the learning’s task or goal? If not, you may be relying on extrinsic motivators and perhaps have a child that’s disinterested (i.e., bored, or overwhelmed), responding to external (i.e., scores or incentives) or imposed motivators (i.e., threats, approval). If children are performing under pressure and tension, it’s more difficult to focus, and creativity is blocked. Children often feel inadequate or filled with anxiety. In these situations, we need to revisit where motivation is coming from and the values our child holds dear, making sure those are aligned with a child’s purpose and goals.
If Jenny is only completing the work because she’s afraid of a bad grade, she will do it because she has to, but she may resent it and do just enough to get by (lack of choice). She may not fully engage in the work or fail to think creatively because the work isn’t her idea; the value belongs to the one who assigned the work (lack of connection).
Jenny may be compromising in choice if she is being told to do the work by someone else because she isn’t choosing freely for herself. She may be compromising in connection if she doesn’t find meaning or value in the work and she may be compromising in competence if the work is too hard or too easy based on her skill level.
Kids want to build lasting relationships. They want to learn, to grow, to have a sense of wonder. They want to enjoy their work and be productive and make positive contributions. That’s human nature. If we aren’t seeing those qualities in our kids, something has probably gone awry with a child’s sense of choice, connection, or competence.
Maybe you’ve had the experience of staying up late working on a meaningful personal project or diving in deep to learn about a new hobby. When we find a lot of value in our work, most of us will put forth a lot of effort without any negativity. In fact, we’re usually “all in,” going for it. Feeling lazy, bored, or disengaged isn’t our nature. These lackluster emotions come from low levels of feel-good brain chemicals, but we can do many things to naturally amplify that chemistry. We want people in this world that enjoy their work, are productive and make positive contributions. Motivation increases when we can align our actions with a bigger purpose outside of ourselves. This type of connection to the work we do and to the people around us helps us to persevere even when faced with great challenges.
A coercive environment is experienced by many adults in their working life and many children in their school. The work done is a “have-to,” not a “get-to;” it’s something that we do because we must—not because we want to. It’s a burden to be endured, not enjoyed. When learning outside of school, you have the unique opportunity to shift that paradigm, using the levers of choice, connection, and competence. The result is work that is pursued from desire, springing from a child’s curiosity and interest.
Choice
We gain autonomy by being able to do what we want, or we can gain autonomy by wanting to do the things we have to do.
Richard’s mom talked to me about the problem she was having with Richard not wanting to do anything all day. I asked her to describe what was going on and she told me that she wasn’t expecting very much from him, but he still wasn’t getting his work done. I came to understand that Richard’s mom was asking him to do one chapter in his Language Arts book each day and two math lessons on the online program they had purchased. The rest of the day was spent at vendor classes and friend groups.
Was her plan reasonable? Yes, completely reasonable, and well within Richard’s competency level, but he didn’t want to do it.
I had a chat with Richard, and he told me that his mom’s work was boring. He said the stories were dumb and he would much rather read his own book. If he had free time, he spent it turning one of the books from his favorite reading series into a graphic novel. That’s what he really wanted to be doing.
I listen closely to the words kids use and Richard’s were telling. He described the schoolwork as his mom’s. Remember, the value belongs to the one that assigns the work. This doesn’t necessarily mean that Richard just gets to do what he wants all day, but I did recommend an honest conversation with Richard to understand the goals, values and desires that were important to each of them. By the end of our time together, you’ll know how to unpack this challenge and many others so that everyone in the family can thrive.
Your child will be able to make many decisions during the day and depending on maturity and other factors, some choices will remain in your control. You will choose which choices are appropriate for your child and which aren’t, but bottom-line, children’s opinions matter. Ownership goes hand-in-hand with choice. The more our children feel like they are part of the plan, the more invested they become in the plan. Sometimes, it’s faster or easier just to make the plans yourself or handle whatever it is that needs doing, but there’s a payoff to remembering that involving your child is empowering and motivating.
People need to feel like they have options and that they have control over what’s happening in life. Without this we feel powerless, pressured, and fearful. Help your child learn to create choice by asking: What choices have I made and what choices can I still make?
Conscious Choices
When I was about four-years-old, my mother started to give us a book allowance each month. We didn’t get a regular allowance at that time, but I clearly remember the book allowance. When we went to the bookstore, my brother and I could spend the money however we chose. At a young age, I only bought pink books and I spent all my money every month. In contrast, my older brother would save his money for many months and buy expensive coffee table books on fishing. In time, we both came to value the choice we had—to either borrow a book from the library or to purchase it—based on our own understanding of a “temporary read" or something that was going to last and was worth owning. This freedom instilled a love of books and is also a beautiful example of handing over choice and control to a child.
Where do you give your kids choices?
For example, do your kids get to choose their own books to read? And do they get to control their experience before, during and after that reading?
Do you allow your kids to make choices, unless there’s a good reason why they shouldn’t.
This doesn’t mean your children make all the choices in the household and that there is no structure. Rather, choices can be made collectively so everyone has a voice and is heard. Daily check-ins help with decision making processes.
Choice and connection work hand in hand….we’ll talk about connection in our next video. Happy Boldschooling!
