The Best Tools to Eliminate Frustration

Welcome to Boldschoolers!
 
Today, we are talking about frustration. Sometimes kids will be excited to get into a project and once they are into it, they realize that it’s a lot harder than they imagined. Motivation tanks, frustration sets in and they just want to give up, which leaves us unsure of what to do about it. Do we let it go and encourage our child move on to something else? Do we attempt to talk them into trying again? Do we just take over the project to make sure it gets done?
 
Here’s an analogy: Imagine that you want to fix something around the house, but you have no clear path to how to do that, no plan. Additionally, you have no tools. You poke at the problem for a bit trying this or that, you stew over it, but you have no idea what to do, so pretty quickly you give up and move on to easier endeavors.
 
It's kind of the same thing with our kids when they are learning something new. Without an arsenal of tools and a path of clear actionable goals, they may employ trial and error for a bit, but can quickly get overwhelmed and give up. Kids don’t have a lot of life experience, and they may not be consciously paying attention to past reference points.
 
Reference points are those times of success where your child can say…I tried ______and it was tricky, but I did ______ and eventually I got it and was successful. When we remember reference points, we give ourselves a boost of motivation and fortitude. Also, kids don’t have the complex mental frameworks that we have in our brains to apply useful skills from one area to another area. It’s no wonder they get frustrated easily. Add to that a poor mood because of the frustration they are experiencing, and you’ll be looking at a hard road forward.
 
Equipping our kids with the tools they need to learn effectively and the awareness to stay positive and diagnose what tool they need when, takes some time and most likely a bit of mental reprogramming. Once kids become familiar with the different tools, they can feel the struggle and either push through because they have learned to tolerate some frustration or they can understand which tool would be most effective and they can reach for things like chunking, scaffolding or kaizen. They can ask for feedback, modeling or mentoring. They can feel the overwhelm and know to go take a ten-minute imagination mode break to balance themselves out again. This awareness is invaluable and will serve them their entire lives. They will come to believe that they can learn anything, because they can. They become unstoppable.
 
At this moment, it’s probably all brand new. Many of our kids stand in awe at the vast sea of parental knowledge having no idea how they will ever learn all these things. But learning starts with awareness and awareness is built slowly, in partnership with you as you become more and more aware yourself.
 
Here’s a sample dialogue between a parent and child.
 
Parent: What’s going on? What are you feeling right now?
Child: My fists are in tight balls and my head is confused. I’m jiggling all over my chair. I’m frustrated!
Parent: Okay. Let’s take a deep breath in and let it out slowly. What do those feelings tell you?
Child: Pause. That my brain is about to learn something.
Parent: Yes! Can we pull out a special tool to help your brain right now?
Child: Pause. Maybe you could show me this step right here…but more slowly… and then I’ll try it one more time on my own. But I want you to sit next to me while I do that. I can feel my body wants a little break, so after that, I’ll go outside on the rope swing and I definitely need a snack before my next pomodoro.
 
In this example, the child was able to describe the physical actions and feelings in the body and then positively reframe that frustration meant that learning was happening. Frustration is the emotion present at the beginning of a learning cycle. There’s a reason that first stage is called the struggle stage. In this example, with a bit of coaching, the child was able to identify that feedback was needed and was able to ask for it. With that support, the child could dig in and try again, with awareness of the limits. A mental break and a snack were needed to refuel wellbeing and the child took control and made sure those needs were going to be met.
 
Kids can learn to understand what they are feeling and why they might be feeling it, building emotional intelligence alongside more traditional types of learning. Kids can learn to communicate clearly and articulate their needs, rather than ignoring those needs and then leaning into explosive emotions.
 
This is far different than how children are typically treated in public schools where they are told when to sit, when to stand, when to eat and when to use the restroom. Not to mention what to play, where to play and whom to speak to throughout the day. Alternatively, we are handing over control and building autonomy of thought and will and as a result we build capacity and competence.
 
As kids learn how to learn at Boldschoolers, they will learn how to use many tools and strategies. You may be using these learning tools, as well, practicing and articulating as you learn new things in your own life or as you assist your child. Take your time. I imagine batman’s tool belt and see all the strategies and tools hanging down around your child’s waist. But remember…Superheroes aren’t built in a day.
 
Happy Boldschooling!