A quote from well-known music teacher and conductor Nadia Boulanger:
"Anyone who acts without paying attention to what he is doing is wasting his life. I'd go so far as to say life is denied by lack of attention, whether it be to cleaning windows or trying to write a masterpiece."
Source: Mademoiselle: Conversations with Nadia Boulangerโ
In a parent call this week, the first thing the parent said to me was “I am in desperate need of more flow, and I can’t find it anywhere.” The parent was feeling beat down, the kids were running amuck, weren’t listening to any direction and didn’t seem to want to do anything remotely “educational.” Reserves were low and each day seemed to be about surviving it. We all have these days, but we don’t have to live in that place. There are things we can do to bounce. Let’s talk today about how we might look within ourselves towards psychological triggers that create more flow for ourselves.
Flow comes from being present and holding our attention in the now. Yes, it’s hard to imagine that when we are in overwhelm with a sink full of dishes, dinner to make and extracurriculars to get to, but if we want more flow, we, as adults, must get present.
In the early 90’s my dissertation focused on the research from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, and he identified clear goals, (what I call) just-in-time feedback, and the challenge/skill ratio as the top three triggers for flow. And when I use the word triggers here, I mean it in a positive sense.
Let’s take a mini dive into each of those over the next few weeks. Are you short on flow? Get present by setting your intentions towards clear goals, just-in-time feedback and the challenge/skill ratio in your own life. Maybe you want to meditate or journal in the morning. Maybe you want to spend 20 minutes working with your child on a particular tricky concept. Maybe you want to give a friend a call, go for a run, or prep dinner early in the day before you’re already exhausted. Whatever your goals may be, they matter, so think through your day with a lens on these principles, as well.
Clear goals set the path for the day and tell us when we are going to focus and what we are going to focus upon. These kinds of goals direct our attention. Think of clear goals as a set of mini-accomplishments for the day. These aren’t the big picture goals you may want for yourself, such as a yearly romantic getaway with your spouse or running a marathon, but rather these are the small steps forward (what I call kaizen)…the boxes you can check today… that will lead to those bigger accomplishments in the future.
Maybe you and your spouse will sit down for twenty minutes each night just to connect to build that spark that will lead to taking action on date night once a week. Maybe the would-be runner will build a habit of walking for twenty minutes around the block and that habit will be a step forward on the path to running a marathon. It is the hundreds of daily choices and habits that create our future selves. Are you in alignment with the future you, you want?
Clear goals are challenging, but manageable and will look different for every person because we all come to the party with different skillsets. I suggest planning out the next day’s clear goals the night before so that in the morning we know exactly what to do first and what to do next. These goals should be ones that inspire you, that feed your curiosity and interest, not the honey-do list handed to you by your spouse.
In my own life, I wake up each morning and put on my workout clothes. I’ve laid them out the night before, so it’s the path of least resistance to slip on what’s right in front of me. Once I have the clothes on, it’s a lot easier to walk out the door for a walk or climb in the car and drive to the gym. Once I’m at the gym, I might as well go in and once I’m in, I might as well do one machine, or five minutes on an elliptical. Once I do one little bit, I might as well do a bit more. That’s how it goes, one very small, manageable step forward at a time. You check those itty, bitty boxes each day and day after day it compounds into your wildest dreams. That’s how it works without kicking our system into overwhelm and anxiety.
So what do you want? What do you want for your health, your relationships, your finances, your children, your own growth and experience? Go deep and keep asking over and over and over. I had an experience a couple of years ago where I was on a long car drive, about seven hours. I was feeling unsettled with a lot of emotions in my life and I needed to somehow work through those emotions. I started asking myself this question aloud. WHAT DO YOU WANT? I would then answer. Then I would ask it again…over and over and over. It wasn’t until I didn’t have anything to say, that it got interesting. There were tears and there was screaming and there was an unrelenting asking until I actually got to my truth. That car ride was one of the most cathartic experiences of my life and just maybe others could benefit from the honest answers that question holds, as well.
What do YOU want? What big, bold goal is bubbling up inside of you? What do you need to do in the next six months to make that happen? The next three months? The next month or week? What small step can you take tomorrow that will start you on that path?
With specific, clear goals we have an easier time staying present and finding flow. Clear goals kickstart our motivation and dial in our concentration, focusing us on the concrete specificity of small, immediately actionable tasks. When we are surviving the day, we are often focused on ourselves and our emotions, the grind and the dissatisfaction of slogging through life’s muck. Itty, bitty, clear goals are a lifeline to pull us out of negative thoughts that drift into the past or catapult into the future. Clear goals land us into what matters…the present.
When we start to sink into a clear goal on a big, bold path to something new, it doesn’t mean it’s all smooth sailing. Remember, the first stage of the learning cycle is Struggle. A tiny bit of anxiety or fear might creep its way in, but instead of feeling anxious, know that you’re on the right track. Frustration leads to flow. Stay with it and if you need to break something down into smaller steps, do it. If you need to gather some support or mentoring for yourself, do it. In my previous exercise example, I might find a friend to work out with or hire a trainer to improve my form.
Whenever we learn something new we try to attach it to the things we already know. Our brains are pattern seekers, after all. It takes effort and support and it’s likely experienced as somewhat difficult, if we don’t have a lot of prior knowledge in an area. It’s important to tap into the next two flow triggers we’ll discuss: just-in-time feedback and the challenge/skill balance to keep learning positive and productive. In addition, remember to build in lots of brain breaks, good nutrition and sleep. Yes, you heard me…SLEEP. As a young mother, I knew sleep was important and I also knew I was constantly deprived. I marveled that I could even make it through the day. We need to do a better job supporting each other to not barely make it through the day. What would it take for you to thrive?
In Boldschoolers Blueprint, we take these ideas and learn the skills needed to help our kids find flow and live their biggest and boldest lives. I’d love to see you there. Happy Boldschooling!
