Welcome to Boldschoolers! Today, I thought it would be fun to do something like a fireside chat. I get a lot of questions from the families that I work with, as well as my subscribers and I thought it would be great to answer some of those questions here. Of course, the opinions and thoughts I express today may not be the same ones I hold tomorrow as I continue to grow and learn. Here's the first one:
How do I balance a focused theme for the day vs. letting my student/kiddo take the lead and direct us, to what she wants to do. I would like to balance it and make it both. Maybe it's as easy as simplifying our days and focusing on one school subject for the day and let her guide the rest of the day. Would love your advice and guidance:)
I don’t see these as two different things. Ideally, you’ll agree on the content of the day, the goals of each day. If you don’t agree, it’s a bit of an uphill battle. If you’re getting pushback on the content, does your child see the value?
But let’s say that your child has a flow activity that she loves and would do that all day if she could, but you really would like some more academic type of learning in there somewhere. That’s a reasonable goal. If you can’t connect her flow activity to academics, and you usually can…let’s discuss it… but let’s say you can’t, I think it’s reasonable to create a space for her to be in flow after her superpower time. So, perhaps she spends an hour or two working on some agreed upon goals in a more academic area of interest or something with meaning and then there’s time blocked each day for her to work in her flow activity. Especially, when kids are learning something new, it takes an incredible amount of effort. They don’t have the knowledge frameworks in their heads that we do, so we need to realize how much struggle goes into building that foundation that we just take for granted. Go slowly with small steps, marking each win because motivation is built from small win to small win. You’ll shorten the pomodoros and increase the brain breaks and superpower time might be shortened, as well. If the goals you two decide upon take a lot of struggle, then you might simplify the day, complete a few pomodoros and then let her be in flow for the remainder of the day with lots of recovery built in there, as well. Play that by ear and honor the biology showing up in front of you.
It’s perfectly fine to focus on school subjects one at a time, if that works for you, but the world is an integrated whole and especially for younger kids, they often learn best when there’s some visible, concrete interconnection. If you do separate subjects, many families use what’s called a block schedule where they focus on one or two subjects a day for extended periods of time. Play around with it and see what feels right. In Boldschoolers Blueprint and in our upcoming Ask Me Anything call, we’ll be looking at the specifics of how we can begin with a curiosity and develop that into a passion, including how our kids can set big, hairy, audacious goals and build daily clear goals around a larger intention that they are excited about. I think you’ll get a better idea of how she might take the lead and how that might really work in real-life after that learning session.
Next Question:
We were just discussing the addictive nature of screens amongst us and I mentioned that it didn't seem like the research supported that. Can that be a topic of discussion? A lot of us feel like our kids gravitate to the screens instead of doing creative things.
Firstly, listen to next week’s blog video, Play versus Work. I have a brief discussion about video games there. Second, there are probably some general principles we can agree upon and research we can discuss, but for sure this is a very personal topic with strong opinions on multiple sides. From the many families I’ve watched navigate this topic, I’ve seen it work both ways. I recognize my own bias, but this bias is simply from my own life experiences and I recognize it has no merit in truth or reality, so I won’t bother spending time on that perspective.
I think there’s value in peeling back the layers to better understand the draw for our kids. I do a bit of that in the upcoming weekly blog. I also think it’s probably a good idea to decide upon a container around it, such that kids can reap the benefits without any of the negatives. Include kids in these decision-making processes. I’ve heard that below three hours a day hasn’t been linked to a detriment, but I don’t have ages of child to add to that thought off the top of my head, but I’m going to continue doing further research on it.
I would also suggest creating spaces that have opportunities for kids to have choice, connection and competence in the real world. Maybe these include free play with other friends or highly engaging exploration into a topic of interest. Follow the flow. If the opportunity for meeting these needs is present in the real world, kids may not so readily turn to the virtual world.
Here is a link to a few studies I do have handy:
https://www.boldschoolers.com/gaming
How to raise a child who is independent and responsible with his schoolwork?
How to raise kid to be independent, responsible student with good work ethic?
This is a common desire and I hear this frequently, but what I never hear is… I want to know how to raise a child who is independent and responsible with his play. Why don’t we hear that? It would be ridiculous to hear that, right? Let’s unpack that bias a bit.
Independent. I’m not sure how old of a child this is, but most kids aren’t as independent as we might want them to be. They simply don’t have the vast knowledge frameworks in their brains to be able to make the connections needed to understand all that they might need to understand. Until we build competence in the basic skills of anything, learning is about partnering. We learn best with individualized feedback. There’s not much independent going on in that stage. Once we have basic skills down, we can be much more independent because we’ll know enough to know when something isn’t working and we’ll have some ideas on how to get back on the right track. Before that point, learning is a very dependent activity, no matter the age of the learner.
We can use technology to bridge some of those gaps, but the feedback isn’t typically going to be individualized and immediate, so the learning will be slower and even hit and miss. Kids also need to learn how to use technology to learn, meaning they need to understand the best ways to learn from a video, how to take notes in a way that works for their learning, when and how to ask questions, etc. These are all trainable skills, but we often assume we can plop a kid in front of a screen and the information magically sticks in their brain. It doesn’t usually work that way and expecting that process to be intuitively grasped by a kid is expecting too much. Without a strategy, kids, just like adults, will employ trial and error methods, which isn’t a good use of time or resources.
I would also suggest making sure the child isn’t overwhelmed. Is the pacing too fast? Is it too much information at once? Does it need to be broken up into smaller chunks? Has my child created clear daily goals, so that he/she knows what exactly to do first and what to do next? Is the challenge/skill level in the sweet spot or is the work too hard or too easy? Independence and responsibility won’t show up if these things are off. Kids want to learn and grow every day. They want to be competent. If that’s not happening, something has gone awry in our systems, not in our child.
Kids want autonomy, but sometimes independence is different than autonomy. Sometimes we think independence means kids get all the work we want them to do…done on their own. whereas autonomy is having choices about the work and how work gets done. There’s a very critical difference between a “have-to” and a “get-to” when it comes to work. One relies on extrinsic motivators, controlling motivation it’s sometimes called and the other relies on intrinsic motivation, also called autonomous motivation.
When children feel passionate about learning something, you won’t be able to stop them. We can build motivation from small win to small win and we can employ techniques to boost motivation and encourage flow, but the idea of a work ethic, for me, comes from a strong alignment with our personal values. I’m going to persevere with something even when it’s hard because it’s meaningful to me, my bigger goals drive me to keep going when it’s hard and I have enough past success in my smaller goals to know I can do it. We’ll talk more about grit and perseverance and how we can best develop those qualities in upcoming discussions.
In terms of independent and responsible, let’s now turn to responsible. The idea that comes to my mind when I see that word, is that the child isn’t being responsible for his schoolwork because it’s not really his schoolwork. The value belongs to the one that assigned the work. Did he or she choose the schoolwork? It sounds like there’s not a great deal of buy-in or ownership here. Being responsible is an important quality we want our kids to have, but typically we choose to be responsible towards things that align with our values and goals. If the schoolwork doesn’t fall in line with a child’s values or goals, responsibility is a hard sell. Schoolwork needs to be meaningful, relevant and of value if we want those qualities to naturally show up in our kids.
Much of traditional school does not have these qualities that I’m talking about and that’s why traditional school is set up with strong external rewards and punishments. If you aren’t leveraging the biology and the natural intrinsic motivators, then the motivation has to come from somewhere, so schools turn to extrinsic methods. With this understanding, what system are you leveraging? Have you recreated a traditional school experience at home? If so, you’ll most likely have to rely on extrinsic motivators, if your child is even willing to play that game…and many kids who homeschool are not. Some kids will comply and others won’t and others will begrudgingly do whatever you press them to do, but they’ll kick and scream the whole way through. The entire process of learning is much easier when you get your child’s biology to work for you, rather than against you.
How can I increase attention span when it comes to reading?
Whenever we’re learning something new, it’s very taxing on our energy reserves, including attention. So, smaller sessions are super important. You also want to make sure that the environment isn’t filled with noise or distraction. When our brains have to filter out noise and distraction, it’s like wearing noise canceling headphones. If we wear them long enough, the battery drains out because the battery has been working hard to cancel out the noise. The same with our brains, our energy drains out if there’s noise or distraction in the environment.
I would also check the challenge/skill balance because it might be too hard or too easy. If you’re pretty sure you have that about right, I would hand over more control to your child by letting your child choose the amount of focus time. It might be 5 minutes or even less. Build the pomodoros around that focus time decided on and alternate that focus with brain breaks for 5-10 minutes. String together focus time and brain breaks to create a solid block of learning. The key is that when in the focus time, your child is ulta zoned in, super focused on whatever it is. Even if it’s a short amount of time. Hand over control, but do what you need to do to make it a get-to and not a have-to. You might need some ambiance in the environment, great snacks, a cape or a tiara to wear, etc. as long as those things aren’t adding to the distractors. I encourage you to check out the blog and video Putting on the Cape for more guidance on this.
This is a short answer and just know that there’s a lot more to understand about attention and how it works and we dive deeply into that in Boldschoolers Blueprint, but we’ll be covering some of this content in future blogs, videos and calls, as well.
When do you stop listening to your child about when to do school?
I’m not sure what exactly this means, but I’ll take a stab at it. It sounds like a couple things might be happening. Perhaps, your child wants to play and you want him or her to work. Look out for the blog and video, Play versus Work, which might give you some insight. We’ll also be discussing how to follow curiosity and how to create daily goals in our monthly calls. That might be helpful here, as well. Stay tuned.
Now, you might also be referring to the pushback you’re getting due to the time of day learning takes place. That’s an interesting question. About 14% of people are Larks (early risers), 21% Owls (late risers) and 65% Third Birds (somewhere in between.
A lark gets up early in the day and goes to be early in the evening, whereas an owl stays up late and sleeps later into the day. Third birds are those that fall somewhere in between. These distinctions rely upon the use of chronotypes, which are biological traits tied to our internal clock and are dependent upon genetics and age. Most young children are larks and then shift into owl territory through puberty and back into larks in older ages. It’s interesting to understand this idea because perhaps you have a child that has very strong tendencies towards one or the other and those are real biological needs that we can meet.
I’m feeling aware, and worried that my child knows she’s “behind” other 3rd graders who go to brick and mortar school.
It’s so easy for our kids to compare themselves to other kids and it’s easy for us, too. When you’ve made a choice to dance on the edges, there will certainly be a lot of noise around those decisions. You’ve chosen to do school differently, and we’re all going to hear about that choice from those that don’t understand it, from those that have fear of it, from those that wish they could be so brave…My goal is for your children to have the skills needed to learn anything they want to learn. If they have that confidence, it won’t matter what anyone says to them because learning is a choice for them. Either they find value in a skill or certain knowledge, or they don’t at that moment. I know you’ve chosen a self-directed learning path and once your kids are a little older, they can have open conversations with those other kids about how they choose what they learn and why. At that point, they are probably the envy of every kid on the block. The hard part is when they’re young and they don’t have a lot of skills or knowledge framework and they don’t yet know how to learn.
I think it’s important in that stage to have some very solid wins that kids can use as reference points, not only to bring up when other kids question them, but also to influence the voice in their own heads so that they hear that they are powerful, successful learners. I think we can also give kids words to say to others that might quiet the crowd. Maybe a kid who’s on a more developmental, play-based timeline, can confidently say that they are learning the European way or maybe they say they are learning in a way that helps them love learning or that they are so lucky because they get to choose exactly what and when they learn. I’m sure you all will come up with even better ideas of what they might say, but helping our kids articulate their situation and their feelings about it, can help them bridge that awkward gap when other kids question something that’s different.
How to customize schooling when mom is physically exhausted and/or emotionally stressed, and it affects the ability and desire to teach?
We all can relate in some way to this sentiment. Whether we’ve felt that for a few hours, a few days, a few months or even longer. We are burned out because we aren’t taking care of our own biology. What does that look like? That looks like physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual and relational wellbeing. That’s our foundation and self-care is of the utmost importance. When we don’t have that, we’re sloshing through the muck to get through each day. Do what you need to do to make sure you get the balance you need in those areas. Maybe it’s creating time for yourself, time with your friends, time to exercise, eat well and sleep. Using vendor classes, coops, friends, relatives and the like to make that happen.
Let’s go back to the Flow Learning Cycle. We’ve talked about the importance of Flow and Recovery to our kids’ learning. Well, flow and recovery are vital to our own daily energy stores, as well. Make time for flow in your life. Flow comes from those pursuits that we feel passionate about, those activities that we lose ourselves in, totally immersed and engaged. What feels like play to you, even for just a couple blocks of time a week? What do you enjoy that you tell yourself you just don’t have time to enjoy anymore? Maybe it’s painting, salsa dancing, writing, crafting or something you just have the faintest curiosity about. Make time for it…even when you don’t have time for it. Kids without flow burnout. Parents without flow burnout, too.
You are not your child’s only teacher. You are one of the many experts in your child’s life. Who else can step in and offer guidance and feedback? Live, human 1:1 feedback is key to optimal learning, but kids also learn from audio, video, books, classes and other transmitters of information, even other kids.
Think about how you might create a container for the day, so that kids have the opportunity to win the day. That’s important for motivation and it means there’s a distinct beginning and ending to the day. It means the daily goals are checked off, that there’s some kind of victory and we know when it’s over. That goes for us adults, too. Do you have an ending to your day or does one day bleed into the next and you’re just treading water trying not to drown? When the day is done, claim your victory and sink into recovery.
Victory doesn’t mean it all went well. It means you’ve gotten through daily goals, including fails and wins along the way. Rest, relax, unplug and take care of yourself well with love and kindness, so you can rebuild your reserves to be able to do it all again the next day. This may require saying, “No.” This may require asking for help. This may require honestly communicating. This may require creating white space in your day where nothing is scheduled. This may require simplifying. Sometimes, it helps me to think that this is the season for this great thing or the season for that not so great thing. Whatever season it is…it won’t last forever because seasons change. I can be where I am right now, knowing that the change is coming, something new is just around the corner.
Homeschooling can be a highly isolating experience, but it doesn’t have to be. Whoever you are, whenever these feelings come…you have people that love you and care about you and want you to succeed. We are right here. We are in this together. Just reach out and grab our hand. We got you.
Thanks everybody. Leave a comment below: How can we best be there for each other?
