What if happiness isn't the goal?
When asked what we want for our children, we often say that we want them to be happy. Of course, that sounds right, but when we look closer at happy, what does that actually mean? Think back to the most significant moments in your own life. Do you find happy? Maybe it’s the birth of your children. When I look back at that time, I remember being scared out of my mind, unable to control my body and in a heck of a lot of pain. Maybe it’s getting married. On my wedding day, I remember feeling nervous and worried that it wouldn’t come off as planned. Maybe it’s starting a new job. Is beginning a new job ever a walk in the park? My point is that sometimes the most important things in our lives begin with feelings other than happy. Happy comes later as most things worth doing begin in all the glorious forms of discomfort, as it provides fertile ground for meeting worthwhile goals. If we only chased what was comfortable, not much would get done and nothing new would come of it. Where do your kids spend most of their time? Where do you? We’re drawn to those things we feel competent doing and therefore we spend a lot of time in our comfort zone. Most kids spend way too much time working on things they already know how to do and not enough time pushing the edges of what they don’t yet know. Maybe we all do.
Growth springs from discomfort and that’s where we’ll find our most important achievements. And as an added bonus, it’s where we’ll find flow. Flow is a state of consciousness where we feel our best and perform our best. When we are deeply absorbed in an activity we may lose track of time or quiet that annoying and highly critical little voice in our heads. We may feel completely connected with the world or the people around us. That’s flow and it’s where we are our most productive, capable and creative, so if we want to be at our best, we’re looking for flow. You may find it flying down a mountain-bike trail or skittering across a tubular wave. You may find it within creative writing or artistic painting. Whatever your jam, it’s probably waiting there for you.
Just as with happiness, flow begins in discomfort and can be elusive. We have to pass through struggle before we can get into flow. So instead of running from frustration, embrace it, knowing that happy…in the form of flow…comes later. Yes, we want our kids to find happy and we want them to find flow, but before that, we want them to dance beyond that edge of comfort.
When learning new skills, frustration can be a sign for kids that they are moving in the right direction. A child’s brain is busy loading and encoding information when learning new things, so the brain is very active and the little voice in their head could be protesting with doubts and distractions because it’s fully awake, as well. Have breaks, but stay with the process because mastery and flow will follow focus. In flow, parts of the brain shut down and go quiet, which allows time to bend and the little annoying voice to retreat. The unconscious takes over and skills are deployed flawlessly and creatively.
Flow can only happen when our brains know enough to let go, meaning skills are solid and deeply grooved in our brains, they’re automatic. If skills aren’t there, there’s nothing to hand over to the unconscious. Creativity happens in flow, in the empty spaces between things we already know. The more kids know, the more they can find flow…and creativity, but the process begins with that struggle…yes, the one we sometimes try to avoid. We want kids to productively struggle, but not aimlessly struggle. There’s a difference.
Where do your kids spend most of their time? Are they dipping into discomfort? Or dancing with things they already know how to do?
Here are some tips:
- Automaticity typically happens after skills are mastered slowly and consciously…that’s the uncomfortable part, but we can ease that discomfort by making sure kids are working on skills that are just above their ability levels, not too easy and not too hard.
- We can also make sure that kids are receiving enough immediate feedback to course correct and keep moving forward.
- Poor mood can tank our ability to learn new things. Create an environment of positivity and optimism and tackle a poor mood with practices such as mindfulness, gratitude, and ample breaks throughout the day.
- Dial in the precursors to flow: ample sleep, nutrition, hydration, plenty of movement and recovery.
